Conflict Resolution in Relationships & Marriages (II)
Last week we started a discourse on how to “Handle Conflicts In Friendships, Relationships & Marriages”.
As I promised, we will be taking it up a notch today.
Conflict Resolution Amongst Engaged Singles
This is slightly different from that of the married, though so important that it is the factors that have been established at this level that will determine if the conflicts in marriage will be handled well.
Factors Needed For Conflict Resolution Amongst Engaged Singles.
1. What kind of conflict?
Is it a conflict over variables or values?
If it’s a conflict that comes through variable factors like temperament differences, opinions, habits etc, then we can work on them over time with adequate resolution techniques.
But if the conflict comes out of value system clashes, differences in core values and beliefs and principles of life, or perverse character issues like violence, abuse, narcissism, control, insecurity etc.
The wisdom is not to bother to resolve such conflicts.
The best thing is to let the relationship go.
2. Are they both matured spiritually, emotionally and psychologically?
It’s important that both of them are mature individuals, else it will be difficult for them to handle even normal, healthy conflicts.
3. Talk about signs of immaturity.
4. Not all conflicts should be resolved.
Causes of Conflicts in Marriage
There are different causes of conflicts in homes but over the years I’ve come to discover that almost all causes of conflicts in marriages will fall under one of these eight factors.
1. The misconception of Genesis 2:24
The Bible says, “They shall become”, not “are one” (it’s a process, not an event).
It also says they“Will” become one, not become the same (stop trying to change your partner).
Oneness and sameness are not the same things.
A lot of conflicts happen in homes all because we simply want our partners to do things as we do them.
Your method and way of life may indeed be working but it’s not the only way that works.
2. Love and Proximity: The moment you give your heart to someone, you have also given that person the power to hurt you, you are more sensitive to the person so his/her actions will invariably affect you more hence the Yoruba proverb “bi a ba fe ore eni lafeju, ti o ba fi ori gba, ija ni yio da”.
If a casual person hits his head on the wall, I’ll probably go like, oh! Sorry, etc, that’s sympathy, but if it’s someone very close, it’s empathy that I will feel, I will also feel the pain so if I’m not careful I go like, “didn’t you see the wall? Do you want to kill yourself”? And of course, there will be a fight.
Also, you can’t be in close, constant proximity with a person and friction won’t occur. It’s inevitable!
3. Temperament Differences: our different natures determine our responses which of course can cause conflict if not managed.
For example, have you not noticed that even in different forums and groups etc, people express themselves in different ways, which sometimes may lead to misunderstanding etc, and we all respond in different ways too because we are all different.
4. MONEY: Money is one major cause of conflict in homes and it occurs in the following ways.
A. Poor Management of finances by either or both.
B. Lack of trust and transparency.
C. Unclear financial responsibility distribution, whereby it’s not clear who is in charge of what financially.
D. Inability to provide for the family need by the husband or irresponsibility i.e. can provide but refuses to.
E. Low or total lack of financial power.
It takes finance to run a romance so money issues do cause conflict in the home.
5. Sex: Sex is one of the 3 most common reasons for conflict in homes.
Below are the major ways by which sex can cause serious conflict in homes:
A. One or both are not enjoying themselves for various reasons ranging from poor skills to lack of enough information, to emotional instability, to circumcision, premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction.
B. There’s enjoyment but it has become predictable because one partner is not open to varieties.
C. Excessive demands for sex by one partner and the other is unable to match the demands. Or demands for sex styles that the other finds distasteful or uncomfortable.
6. Immaturity: especially emotional, psychological and spiritual immaturity.
This factor determines your response to stimuli and how you are able to manage contradictions.
7. Third Parties: which includes everyone except you both and God.
We should note that third parties by themselves are not bad; it all depends on the boundaries set by the couples themselves.
A third party is not expected to be able to go beyond the access granted by either or both couples involved.
And there’s only one basic law of third parties.
Couples are not supposed to allow anyone around them whose presence and influence are not contributing to the success and productivity of their union.
When this law is broken, third parties can become a big source of conflict in homes.
8. Spiritual Influences: Indeed, when couples are careless and nonchalant, they can open the door for the enemy and allow him to reign in their homes.
Some conflicts are spiritually engineered and are direct attacks of the enemy.
9. Emotional starvation and complications of old age (Menopause and Andropause)
We kick off from here next week.
See you then…Have a great week ahead!
Adetutu Osofowora popularly known as “Coach Tusky” is a teacher of God’s word and a Relationship and Marriage Coach who teaches and speaks on relationships, homes and women issues, a counsellor with over 2 decades of experience and the president of the Relationship Building Block Organisation as well as the convener of the Relationship Building Block Conferences, a yearly program for both singles, married and counsellors.
She is the author of the widely acclaimed book on conjugal love, Bedmatics.
Adetutu Osofowora is a leader at the HarvestHouse Christian Center, HCC, under the spiritual covering of her pastor and father, Reverend Gbeminiyi Eboda.
She is happily married to Dr Abiodun Osofowora, her husband of 24 years and their union is blessed with 3 lovely children.
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