Conflict Resolution in Homes: Things to Know (III)

We have been talking about conflict resolution in relationships and marriages, its resolution and everything related in the past two weeks and we will be concluding it all today.

Although, what we have discussed so far is not all that is to know about handling conflicts as knowledge is progressive, but it serves as a base or foundation for becoming knowledgeable about handling such issues.

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So, let’s get into the discourse for the day.

Conflict Resolution in Homes

For me, conflict resolution in marriage should not start after marriage; it’s supposed to start before marriage.

Couples should have developed good resolution techniques before marrying at all or should not marry if they haven’t.

This is why when I do premarital counselling, I always ask if they’ve ever had a serious disagreement and how they resolved it, if they say never, I tell them to cancel the wedding, go and fight first, settle it, then come back to me.

This is because it takes maturity to settle conflicts amicably and marriage is not for babies, you give babies food not marriage. 

Nevertheless, these are some of the things to note when resolving conflicts. 

Things To Know That Can Help

1. PERCEPTION: Perception determines how we react to any stimuli.

It’s important that we accept in our minds that even when our spouses do what annoys or pains us, it’s often not deliberate.

It’s very rare (except if you are married to Lucifer’s deputy) for your spouse to sit down and intentionally start cooking plans to make you miserable.

(It happens, but, we all know that in such a case, the problem is not the conflict, the problem is that you were blind enough to marry a monster).

So, if we accept that he/she did not set out to harm me, your response will be controlled and resolution easier.

You will not be reacting, you will be responding. 

2. UNDERSTAND THAT IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO: So anytime there’s conflict, accept that you also are to blame, you have your contribution too.

This will help you to point fingers less and take responsibility.

Conflict is not about him or her, it’s about US.

3. TRY TO ADDRESS ISSUES AND NOT PERSONS: This could be so hard because it’s the person you are seeing more clearly so it’s so easy to address the person and not the issue.

For example, there’s a world of difference between the statement: 

“Kayode, you seem to take your time in decision making and I’m worried it slows us down” and the statement: “Kayode, you are too slow for my liking, this your slowness is costing this family a lot”. 

Words and their usage is of utmost importance in conflict resolution.

Whenever your choice of words is an attack on the person of your partner, they will instinctively raise up a defence, even if they know they are wrong.

This will annoy you the more and this leads to more reactions and more arguments.

People listen more when they don’t feel attacked. 

5. OVERLOOK: Before Marriage, love must not be blind, but in marriage, you must blind it sometimes.

What do I mean?

A lot of issues will be resolved if we just overlook some misbehaviours and errors of our partners, especially we the women.

Really it’s not every battle you must fight; you have to decide whether you want to be happy or right.

So, sometimes, just let it go and move on.

Always try to differentiate between variables and fixed factors of life in your marriage.

Many of the things we argue about are sincerely variable factors, their presence or absence does not particularly affect the home, beyond our personal opinions of them.

We sometimes just want to be right and win every argument.

But, please, how much were you and I paid for the last argument we won?

Which international trophy did you receive? 

So we need to overlook issues sometimes. 

6. COMMUNICATION: This factor is the bedrock of any home.

Communication is different from talking.

The fact that you are creating words doesn’t mean that you are making sense to the listener.

When there is conflict, it’s important that you both communicate together on it in a way that both of you will understand each other.

Don’t bury issues, if you are not okay, let each other know; don’t let it pile up while trying to be a good partner.

Tell him or her how you feel in a courteous way.

And make sure the issue is settled. 

7. TIMING: This is so important to resolution.

You need to understand that it’s not every time that each issue must be addressed immediately.

Learn the principle of delayed response and gratification.

Some things happen when people are there, in the car with people, in a roomful of people etc.

That’s not the time to resolve things or when both of you are hot.

Some conflict resolutions are better pushed to a more convenient time.

There are issues you raise at 2 am in the morning, late in the evening or after a pleasant dinner date. 

8. THIRD PARTY: I’m a firm believer that no marriage can really work without third parties.

Nothing is wrong with involving 3rd parties; it all depends on who the 3rd party is and how much influence you both allow them.

You must know when some issues are getting beyond your strength and if so, seek help.

This is why I’m a strong advocate for mentors and accountability figures.

In fact, I warn single ladies never to marry a guy who has no mentor or covering, a Rambo that no one in his life can say “sit down there” and he must obey.

Such a man is a car without a brake, he’s on his way to crash and he will take you along.

There are times that to resolve a conflict, you must contact your accountability figures.

This is needed in having difficult conversations.

Imagine a case of a wife who was raped and got pregnant.

9. Now, since 3rd parties too can cause conflict in some homes, we must handle it in this general way: anyone that doesn’t contribute to the progress and unity and peace of your union must be avoided and it’s the owner of the in-law that must deal with them.

Ephesians 5:31, Genesis 2:24 & Psalm 45:10.

It’s not just the man that God said should leave his father and mother, He gave the woman stricter instructions, He asked her to forsake her family.

So, if your family is causing problems for your spouse, it’s your responsibility to defend your partner and get them far away. 

10. PRAYERS: Many times, if we pray about issues half as much as we complain or talk about them, there will be less stress.

It’s important that we control the spiritual atmosphere of the home.

Don’t break the edge, if you don’t, the serpent will hardly bite.

11. FORGIVE: You can’t resolve conflicts well if you don’t learn to forgive and move on.

Some of us have issues with forgiving people when they hurt us, especially women.

We have this strange ability to always refer to what he did 5 years ago during a fresh issue, the poor guy for the life of him cannot even remember what you are referring to.

See, ladies should please be less emotional and sentimental.

We must forgive. 

12. SEEK HELP: Seek professional help when you realize you don’t know what to do.

Finally, I think it is also important that we gather enough information about each other’s temperaments; it helps to understand why we all act as we do. 

13. FINALLY, FINALLY: There are some conflicts that should not be resolved.

If the kind of conflicts that are happening are the ones that are dangerous to life and health and the perpetrator is not willing to seek help.

Don’t try to resolve it.

LEAVE!

Never stay in a toxic environment.

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