Couple in need of Conflict Resolution
Family & Relationship

Conflict Resolution in Homes: Things to Know (III)

By Web News 1166

We have been talking about conflict resolution in relationships and marriages, its resolution and everything related in the past two weeks and we will be concluding it all today.

Although, what we have discussed so far is not all that is to know about handling conflicts as knowledge is progressive, but it serves as a base or foundation for becoming knowledgeable about handling such issues.

So, let’s get into the discourse for the day.

Conflict Resolution in Homes

For me, conflict resolution in marriage should not start after marriage; it’s supposed to start before marriage.

Couples should have developed good resolution techniques before marrying at all or should not marry if they haven’t.

This is why when I do premarital counselling, I always ask if they’ve ever had a serious disagreement and how they resolved it, if they say never, I tell them to cancel the wedding, go and fight first, settle it, then come back to me.

This is because it takes maturity to settle conflicts amicably and marriage is not for babies, you give babies food not marriage. 

Nevertheless, these are some of the things to note when resolving conflicts. 

Things To Know That Can Help

1. PERCEPTION: Perception determines how we react to any stimuli.

It’s important that we accept in our minds that even when our spouses do what annoys or pains us, it’s often not deliberate.

It’s very rare (except if you are married to Lucifer’s deputy) for your spouse to sit down and intentionally start cooking plans to make you miserable.

(It happens, but, we all know that in such a case, the problem is not the conflict, the problem is that you were blind enough to marry a monster).

So, if we accept that he/she did not set out to harm me, your response will be controlled and resolution easier.

You will not be reacting, you will be responding. 

2. UNDERSTAND THAT IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO: So anytime there’s conflict, accept that you also are to blame, you have your contribution too.

This will help you to point fingers less and take responsibility.

Conflict is not about him or her, it’s about US.

3. TRY TO ADDRESS ISSUES AND NOT PERSONS: This could be so hard because it’s the person you are seeing more clearly so it’s so easy to address the person and not the issue.

For example, there’s a world of difference between the statement: 

“Kayode, you seem to take your time in decision making and I’m worried it slows us down” and the statement: “Kayode, you are too slow for my liking, this your slowness is costing this family a lot”. 

Words and their usage is of utmost importance in conflict resolution.

Whenever your choice of words is an attack on the person of your partner, they will instinctively raise up a defence, even if they know they are wrong.

This will annoy you the more and this leads to more reactions and more arguments.

People listen more when they don’t feel attacked. 

5. OVERLOOK: Before Marriage, love must not be blind, but in marriage, you must blind it sometimes.

What do I mean?

A lot of issues will be resolved if we just overlook some misbehaviours and errors of our partners, especially we the women.

Really it’s not every battle you must fight; you have to decide whether you want to be happy or right.

So, sometimes, just let it go and move on.

Always try to differentiate between variables and fixed factors of life in your marriage.

Many of the things we argue about are sincerely variable factors, their presence or absence does not particularly affect the home, beyond our personal opinions of them.

We sometimes just want to be right and win every argument.

But, please, how much were you and I paid for the last argument we won?

Which international trophy did you receive? 

So we need to overlook issues sometimes. 

6. COMMUNICATION: This factor is the bedrock of any home.

Communication is different from talking.

The fact that you are creating words doesn’t mean that you are making sense to the listener.

When there is conflict, it’s important that you both communicate together on it in a way that both of you will understand each other.

Don’t bury issues, if you are not okay, let each other know; don’t let it pile up while trying to be a good partner.

Tell him or her how you feel in a courteous way.

And make sure the issue is settled. 

Couple working with a counsellor on Conflict Resolution
Couple trying to work out their issues with the assistance of a counsellor

7. TIMING: This is so important to resolution.

You need to understand that it’s not every time that each issue must be addressed immediately.

Learn the principle of delayed response and gratification.

Some things happen when people are there, in the car with people, in a roomful of people etc.

That’s not the time to resolve things or when both of you are hot.

Some conflict resolutions are better pushed to a more convenient time.

There are issues you raise at 2 am in the morning, late in the evening or after a pleasant dinner date. 

8. THIRD PARTY: I’m a firm believer that no marriage can really work without third parties.

Nothing is wrong with involving 3rd parties; it all depends on who the 3rd party is and how much influence you both allow them.

You must know when some issues are getting beyond your strength and if so, seek help.

This is why I’m a strong advocate for mentors and accountability figures.

In fact, I warn single ladies never to marry a guy who has no mentor or covering, a Rambo that no one in his life can say “sit down there” and he must obey.

Such a man is a car without a brake, he’s on his way to crash and he will take you along.

There are times that to resolve a conflict, you must contact your accountability figures.

This is needed in having difficult conversations.

Imagine a case of a wife who was raped and got pregnant.

9. Now, since 3rd parties too can cause conflict in some homes, we must handle it in this general way: anyone that doesn’t contribute to the progress and unity and peace of your union must be avoided and it’s the owner of the in-law that must deal with them.

Ephesians 5:31, Genesis 2:24 & Psalm 45:10.

It’s not just the man that God said should leave his father and mother, He gave the woman stricter instructions, He asked her to forsake her family.

So, if your family is causing problems for your spouse, it’s your responsibility to defend your partner and get them far away. 

10. PRAYERS: Many times, if we pray about issues half as much as we complain or talk about them, there will be less stress.

It’s important that we control the spiritual atmosphere of the home.

Don’t break the edge, if you don’t, the serpent will hardly bite.

11. FORGIVE: You can’t resolve conflicts well if you don’t learn to forgive and move on.

Some of us have issues with forgiving people when they hurt us, especially women.

We have this strange ability to always refer to what he did 5 years ago during a fresh issue, the poor guy for the life of him cannot even remember what you are referring to.

See, ladies should please be less emotional and sentimental.

We must forgive. 

12. SEEK HELP: Seek professional help when you realize you don’t know what to do.

Finally, I think it is also important that we gather enough information about each other’s temperaments; it helps to understand why we all act as we do. 

13. FINALLY, FINALLY😂: There are some conflicts that should not be resolved.

If the kind of conflicts that are happening are the ones that are dangerous to life and health and the perpetrator is not willing to seek help.

Don’t try to resolve it.

LEAVE!

Never stay in a toxic environment.

Adetutu Osofowora popularly known as “Coach Tusky” is a teacher of God’s word and a Relationship and Marriage Coach who teaches and speaks on relationships, homes and women issues, a counsellor with over 2 decades of experience and the president of the Relationship Building Block Organisation as well as the convener of the Relationship Building Block Conferences, a yearly program for both singles, married and counsellors.

She is the author of the widely acclaimed book on conjugal love, Bedmatics.

Adetutu Osofowora is a leader at the HarvestHouse Christian Center, HCC, under the spiritual covering of her pastor and father, Reverend Gbeminiyi Eboda.

She is happily married to Dr Abiodun Osofowora, her husband of 24 years and their union is blessed with 3 lovely children.

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Family & Relationship

Conflict Resolution in Relationships & Marriages (II)

By Web News 1162 3

Last week we started a discourse on how to “Handle Conflicts In Friendships, Relationships & Marriages”.

As I promised, we will be taking it up a notch today.

Here goes…

Conflict Resolution Amongst Engaged Singles

This is slightly different from that of the married, though so important that it is the factors that have been established at this level that will determine if the conflicts in marriage will be handled well.

Factors Needed For Conflict Resolution Amongst Engaged Singles.

1. What kind of conflict?

Is it a conflict over variables or values?

If it’s a conflict that comes through variable factors like temperament differences, opinions, habits etc, then we can work on them over time with adequate resolution techniques.

But if the conflict comes out of value system clashes, differences in core values and beliefs and principles of life, or perverse character issues like violence, abuse, narcissism, control, insecurity etc.

The wisdom is not to bother to resolve such conflicts.

The best thing is to let the relationship go. 

2. Are they both matured spiritually, emotionally and psychologically?

It’s important that both of them are mature individuals, else it will be difficult for them to handle even normal, healthy conflicts. 

3. Talk about signs of immaturity.

4. Not all conflicts should be resolved. 

Causes of Conflicts in Marriage

There are different causes of conflicts in homes but over the years I’ve come to discover that almost all causes of conflicts in marriages will fall under one of these eight factors.

1. The misconception of Genesis 2:24

The Bible says, “They shall become”, not “are one” (it’s a process, not an event).

It also says they“Will” become one, not become the same (stop trying to change your partner).

Oneness and sameness are not the same things.

A lot of conflicts happen in homes all because we simply want our partners to do things as we do them.

Your method and way of life may indeed be working but it’s not the only way that works. 

2. Love and Proximity: The moment you give your heart to someone, you have also given that person the power to hurt you, you are more sensitive to the person so his/her actions will invariably affect you more hence the Yoruba proverb “bi a ba fe ore eni lafeju, ti o ba fi ori gba, ija ni yio da”.

If a casual person hits his head on the wall, I’ll probably go like, oh! Sorry, etc, that’s sympathy, but if it’s someone very close, it’s empathy that I will feel, I will also feel the pain so if I’m not careful I go like, “didn’t you see the wall? Do you want to kill yourself”? And of course, there will be a fight.

Also, you can’t be in close, constant proximity with a person and friction won’t occur. It’s inevitable! 

3. Temperament Differences: our different natures determine our responses which of course can cause conflict if not managed.

For example, have you not noticed that even in different forums and groups etc, people express themselves in different ways, which sometimes may lead to misunderstanding etc, and we all respond in different ways too because we are all different.

4. MONEY: Money is one major cause of conflict in homes and it occurs in the following ways.

A. Poor Management of finances by either or both.

B. Lack of trust and transparency.

C. Unclear financial responsibility distribution, whereby it’s not clear who is in charge of what financially.

D. Inability to provide for the family need by the husband or irresponsibility i.e. can provide but refuses to.

E. Low or total lack of financial power. 

It takes finance to run a romance so money issues do cause conflict in the home. 

5. Sex: Sex is one of the 3 most common reasons for conflict in homes.

Below are the major ways by which sex can cause serious conflict in homes:

A. One or both are not enjoying themselves for various reasons ranging from poor skills to lack of enough information, to emotional instability, to circumcision, premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction.

B. There’s enjoyment but it has become predictable because one partner is not open to varieties.

C. Excessive demands for sex by one partner and the other is unable to match the demands. Or demands for sex styles that the other finds distasteful or uncomfortable. 

6. Immaturity: especially emotional, psychological and spiritual immaturity.

This factor determines your response to stimuli and how you are able to manage contradictions. 

7. Third Parties: which includes everyone except you both and God.

We should note that third parties by themselves are not bad; it all depends on the boundaries set by the couples themselves.

A third party is not expected to be able to go beyond the access granted by either or both couples involved.

And there’s only one basic law of third parties.

Couples are not supposed to allow anyone around them whose presence and influence are not contributing to the success and productivity of their union.

When this law is broken, third parties can become a big source of conflict in homes. 

8. Spiritual Influences: Indeed, when couples are careless and nonchalant, they can open the door for the enemy and allow him to reign in their homes.

Some conflicts are spiritually engineered and are direct attacks of the enemy. 

9. Emotional starvation and complications of old age (Menopause and Andropause)

We kick off from here next week.

See you then…Have a great week ahead!

Author’s Bio

Adetutu Osofowora popularly known as “Coach Tusky” is a teacher of God’s word and a Relationship and Marriage Coach who teaches and speaks on relationships, homes and women issues, a counsellor with over 2 decades of experience and the president of the Relationship Building Block Organisation as well as the convener of the Relationship Building Block Conferences, a yearly program for both singles, married and counsellors.

She is the author of the widely acclaimed book on conjugal love, Bedmatics.

Adetutu Osofowora is a leader at the HarvestHouse Christian Center, HCC, under the spiritual covering of her pastor and father, Reverend Gbeminiyi Eboda.

She is happily married to Dr Abiodun Osofowora, her husband of 24 years and their union is blessed with 3 lovely children.

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Family & Relationship

Handling Conflicts in Friendships, Relationships & Marriages

By Web News 977 3

What is Conflict?

It’s important that we first know what conflict is.

Below is the dictionary definition of conflict:

“Serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one”.

Synonyms: dispute, quarrel, squabble, disagreement, a difference of opinion, dissension; discord, friction, strife, antagonism, antipathy, ill will, bad blood, hostility, falling-out, disputation, contention; clash, altercation, shouting match, exchange, war of words; tussle, fracas, affray, wrangle, tangle, the passage of/at arms, battle royal, feud, schism.

If you check the above definition, you will realize that none of us can avoid conflict in our relationships, any kind of relationship actually, marriage only happens to be one of the relationships that predispose us more to it because of the depth of emotions involved and the proximity.

The only thing is that the extent and depth with which it will go will now depend on the individuals involved and their conflict resolution techniques. 

What do I mean? Look at that definition, disagreement, differences in opinion, friction and exchange of words are also part of the conflict.

So, let’s face it, if you tell me your marriage has no conflict whatsoever, it only tells me that you have a very unhealthy relationship and a dangerous one too.

Because it’s either it’s a situation of a “Hitler/Jew” relationship wherein we have a tyrant and his or her captive thereby a graveyard silence and pseudo-peace has been achieved or the marriage has entered the most dangerous mode called “Indifference Avenue”.

You see, hatred is not the opposite of love, when you say you hate someone, it means feelings and passions are still present, and with proper stimuli, it can turn to love again.

The real opposite of love is indifference, i.e. the person stops being in existence in your perception; he or she has no power to elicit any form of response from you, that’s the real opposite of love. 

Therefore, if the case is not any of the above, there will always be one form of conflict in your relationship or another. 

So don’t feel like a failure or feel bad when you hear online or at meetings statements like, we never disagree quarrel etc, it’s actually not true, what they actually mean is that they don’t have certain kinds of disagreements or conflicts. 

These other kinds are the others also enumerated there which include, dissensions, discords, strife, violence, malice, falling out etc.

These levels are reached based on the individuals involved, their maturity level and their conflict resolution techniques.

Let me stop here for today, I would like you to think about what we have discussed so far, and do an audit of your relationships and how you are handling any conflict or friction that occurs.

See you all next week as we take this discourse to another level.

Ciao!!!

Author’s Bio

Adetutu Osofowora popularly known as “Coach Tusky” is a teacher of God’s word and a Relationship and Marriage Coach who teaches and speaks on relationships, homes and women issues, a counsellor with over 2 decades of experience and the president of the Relationship Building Block Organisation as well as the convener of the Relationship Building Block Conferences, a yearly program for both singles, married and counsellors. She is the author of the widely acclaimed book on conjugal love, Bedmatics. Adetutu Osofowora is a leader at the HarvestHouse Christian Center, HCC, under the spiritual covering of her pastor and father, Reverend Gbeminiyi Eboda. She is happily married to Dr Abiodun Osofowora, her husband of 24 years and their union is blessed with 3 lovely children.

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