Parenting Tips

By Olaitan Oye-Adeitan

Looking so scared, worried and disturbed was this young, dark in complexion beautiful girl as she walked into the premises of the Federal Radio Corporation of Nigeria,  Ibadan Zonal Station, Dugbe, Ona – Adebimpe Road in Ibadan.

It was so obvious she needed urgent help.But what could be the source of concern for this teenager?

Teenager’s Ordeal 

Ikimo Ayoola by name, very outspoken and confident, complained that her father threatened to kill her for allegedly spoiling his dumb phone.

The teenage girl explained that she was cooking noodles as instructed by her father and had to hold the phone in her mouth to use the touch for illumination.

However, very early the next day, the father was reported to have woken her up, visibly angry and began to flog her, claiming she had spoilt the phone and was going to kill her.”This morning my daddy said he would kill me and he would kill himself.He beat me.I now said I will come to Radio Nigeria”.

This threat made her to run to Radio Nigeria.On her lips and leg were injuries sustained from the beatings she received from her father.

On further interrogation, Ikimo who is thirteen years old hails from Oyo town.She said her father and mother were separated.

According to her, she stays with her father at Agbede, Iyana Opo area in  Ibadan, while her mother has settled down with another man and resides at Asaka, IkeOlu also in Ibadan.

She explained that her father banned her from visiting her mother while the mother and her new husband were equally not favourably disposed to her visiting them.

Sadly, due to a medical condition, she could not further her education and had to drop out of school when she was in primary four.

As a way to seek financial support for her upkeep, Ikimo claimed her mother took her to a rich man but alleged that the man defiled her.

She then was later taken to a relative with whom she stayed with for a while until her medical challenge played up again.

The relative could also not cope with her medical challenge and had to return her to her father.But since her stay with her father, she hasn’t been going to school due to that health condition.

Hearing that she would be returned to her father by Radio Nigeria, her countenance changed. Dark clouds enveloped her and the young girl bursted into tears, saying she was not ready to go.

Journey Back Home

Ikimo alighted from the vehicle that brought her home reluctantly and sorrowful.

At Agbede, Alarere is this muddy, patched house with an almost blown off roof and an unkempt surroundings where Ikimo and her father lives.

One of the neighbours who is an elderly woman said Ikimo’s father, (a scavenger)  had  gone to work. She attested to the threat issued by Ikimo’s father and noted that the young girl due to threats often ran away from home anytime her father scolded her for misbehaviour.

However, the appearance of some other people at home called for great concern.

One of the men on ground was sighted with a stick of cigarette, one of the ladies looked so hostile and the area where the house is sighted is the centre of meeting for some area boys as smell of illicit drugs could easily be perceived.

What then is the fate of Ikimo in the midst of all these? It is obvious she lacks parental care.

Would this sharp and bright  girl receive the needed care that would bring out the hero in her?

How would she overcome the health challenge that has halted her schooling?

If there is any plea from Ikimo, it is to receive love and affection from a good spirited individual who would enable her realize her God given purpose just like she pleaded “I want someone who will help and take care of me”.

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Parenting Tips

By Olaitan Oye-Adeitan

As I began to write this piece, I remembered the true life story of a young man who had a miserable life.

He tried all efforts to rise from the muddy waters of life, but kept on sinking. However, he was not silent.

Life wasn’t pleasant for him at all. It kept presenting him bile and he was at the verge of giving up when he met a Pastor. He narrated his ordeal and the Pastor prayed for him.

However,  while praying,  the Spirit of the Lord told the Pastor to tell the young man to go and plead with his mother to bless him: for the mother was said to have uttered a curse upon him while he was younger .

Thank God, he obeyed.He met his mother and she reversed the curse and blessed him. 

In less than two months after, the young man rose from obscurity to lime light.The once  rejected, poverty stricken, sorrowful and perplexed man became a force to reckon with.

Coming back from this story, I pondered ” How many glorious destinies had been ruined by utterances from parents!”

The tongue as little as it is among the parts of the body, carries both life and death, but, what it releases is dictated or controlled by man in whose mouth lies the tongue.

It is very disturbing that many parents, at the slightest provocation, habitually rain  torrents of curses on their children, unknown to them that, the effects of curses do not manifest early in life.

Unfortunately, it might just be the time that such parents are to be enjoying the fruits of their labour over their children that echoes of the curses will start manifesting in their children’s life, just as it happened to that young man.

Dad, Mum, Uncle, Aunt, truth be told, ‘Words are powerful!

Curses are evil pronouncement which usually have negative effect upon the bearer. Sadly, this is a habit that is common among some parents. Curses flow freely on their lips to the extent that some would say that their  children will not prosper. Yet such parents want to reap the fruits of their labour.

This is the very reason you as a parent must tame your tongue and watch your pronouncements upon your children.

Cursing your child is like labouring for something and using the same hand to pull it down.

This is the reason God frowns at raining curses.

“Out of the same mouth proceeds blessing and cursing.
My brothers, these things ought not to be so”.

James 3;10

Uttering verbal abuse which has in it curses, is an ill wind capable of distorting a child’s destiny because God has placed you as an authority over that child. Therefore, your tongue has a great impact on your child and the more reason you should be mindful of the way you use it.

A renowned writer, Liza Blau, agreed that cursing a child could give the child emotional trauma, lead to low self esteem, birth a feeling of frustration or anger. “She might internalize your hostility, leading her to feel worthless and unlovable. Cursing can also leaves your kid confused and unclear about what she did wrong, because it isn’t honest or healthy communication”.

Due to the imitative nature of children, a child that is constantly exposed to cursing might also unconsciously begin to imbibe the same culture which he displays among his friends in school or neighborhood.

While curses may have physiological effect, the spiritual effect is more devastating as the child may just be battling with unexplainable issues in life.

Though, children may misbehave sometimes, parents should as much as possible avoid evil pronouncements, no matter how angry they are. Your Words are like seeds waiting for the appropriate time to germinate for you to harvest.

However, children should also avoid actions that could provoke their parents to invoke curses on them.

Parenting Tips

By Olaitan Oye-Adeitan

We are now in the age and times when we may really need to unmask the truth of whose responsibility is the child, Government, Society or Parents.

Today, some parents blame the teacher for every one of their children’s failures. Society also shares part of it and the government is not exempted.

Statements such as “that teacher is not performing his/her duty very well, see what the society has turned our children to, our government is not helping our children at all ” are now freely and commonly expressed by some parents due to the shortcomings in their children’s academic performance or behavioural pattern.

We may however need to counter these statements with the following questions; Who is to blame when the child refuses to do his homework ( a work that is expected to be done at home), and which keeps piling up? Must the teacher be blamed when a mother decides to do the assignment for her child rather than to guide him/ her through it?

Also, who is to blame when a child watches sensual films with his parents? Then when the boy attempts to have carnal knowledge of a mate, who is of the opposite sex, is the teacher also responsible?

Oh, we may as well ask, if it is the government that teaches a child to be unruly and bully other mates in school, dress in tattered uniform, wear crazy haircuts, with vulgar expressions gushing out of the lips without caution.

While we do not deny the fact that the teacher, society or environment, and government fall under secondary influencers when it comes to child development, parents still remain the major stakeholders in terms of child care, training and overall development.

From infancy, a child is welcomed into the hands of a father and mother and grows under their tutelage until maturity.
Even a child born outside wedlock has a father and mother.

However, someone may argue that what about children who are orphans? The truth is even an orphan is handed over to a caregiver in a family or orphanage. The case of a set of twin brothers comes to mind. Their mother died during their birth and the father took to heels realising they were twins. Perhaps, for fear of responsibility, only God knows. These twin brothers were raised by their maternal grandmother and today, one is a successful lawyer and the other a doctor.

Children who are used for rituals, abandoned at birth either under the bridge, beside the river, on refuse dumps or in most unimaginable places as reported in the news, have the hands of one or both parents.

Psychologist, Sigmund Freud posited that personality forms during the first few years of life and that how parents and other caregivers interact with children has a long-lasting impact on children’s emotional state.

Another research corroborated this by saying that a personality formed by the age of six or seven is not likely to deviate from its core.

Therefore, parents must realise that the formative years of a child must not be joked with and it begins from the home, just like the age-long proverb, “Charity begins at home”.
At this early stage, all the senses of the child imbibe consciously or unconsciously from elements around him, of which the parents are key.
As the child grows, all he has absorbed begins to manifest and the picture gets bigger by the day.

If there is no solid foundation for that child during his formative years, he or she will be swayed by the wind of abnormalities in his environment. It is like building a house on a shaky foundation
Such will easily crumble amid storms.

This is not to exempt other stakeholders who are the teachers and government. As a teacher, you are to make and not mar them through impactful teachings. So, a case where a teacher is found defiling his/her pupil is appalling and highly unacceptable.

Government, on its part, must be seen to uphold the Child Rights Act(2023). 24 out of 36 states of Nigeria have adopted the CRA as a state law. Therefore, twelve (12) states in Nigeria have yet to adopt the CRA in their laws of the 36 states of the federation.

Needlessly is, therefore, trading blame when it comes to whose responsibility is the child’s. The truth be told; you carry the major responsibility as a parent because you are given the child directly by God.

And to whom much is given, much is expected!

Parenting Tips

By Olaitan Oye-Adeitan

While in the midst of some ophthalmologists who came on medical outreach to Ibadan, Oyo state, Nigeria, some time ago, a young, dark in complexion beautiful girl was brought before the medical team. 

The girl in her teens, appeared calm and promising but was assisted because she had a visual impairment.

While waiting to be attended to, I learnt the sight challenge of the girl was not congenital but the consequence of the scolding she received from her uncle.

The uncle was said to have angrily slapped her in the face for misbehaviour and the resultant effect was that the girl had sight impairment, which led to her unenvisaged appearance before the opthalmologist.

Consider another case, a tragic one indeed: a little boy was asked to stoop down by stretching one of his legs backwards while touching the ground with one toe.

The child was forgotten on that spot, and eventually, he gave up the ghost.

Slapping the face, giving a child knock on the head, hitting the belly and employing all manners of corporal punishment to the extent of inflicting injuries all in the name of disciplining a child are very common among parents, especially in the African setting.

However, these forms of punishment are inimical to a child’s physical and mental well-being.

Corporal or physical punishment is defined by the UN Committee on the Rights of the Child, which oversees the Convention on the Rights of the Child, as”any punishment in which physical force is used and intended to cause some degree of pain or discomfort, however light”.

Some psychologists argue that corporal punishment can make children fearful of their parents and encourage them to hide.

Medical experts on their part, explained that the force of a slap could be injurious to the face region. Slap to the eye can lead to trauma, including retinal detachment and possible blindness, while slaps to the ears can cause ruptured eardrums, hearing loss, or tinnitus.

Though children may misbehave at times because they are still growing and under tutelage, it is advisable to focus on the shortcomings and teach them to change rather than subject them to life-threatening punitive measures.

A child may also get used to a particular punishment or form of discipline constantly meted out to him with the measure failing to achieve the desired correction.

Some forms of punishment can equally turn some children into bullies, and should such children grow up with these tendencies, they become belligerent or aggressive adults, men who could easily hit their wives or women who pounce on their husbands at the slightest provocation.

Cursing a child as well is not an option. The dangers of raining curses are not easily seen,  as the Yoruba would say” Epe kii ja loojo”, meaning a curse bids its time before baring its fangs.

As a parent, one must study the punitive measures that would bring about transformation, and avoid those that could bring ruin upon a child.

That is not to say you should spare the rod but use it wisely and lovingly.

Parenting Tips

Must Read For Every Parent

By Olaitan Oye-Adeitan

“Dear Mum, it’s with a heavy heart that I’m writing this note, knowing the pain it is going to cause you.

Mum, I want you to know that I love you dearly and if given the opportunity to live again, I will still choose you as mum and our family will still be my place of birth.

But, unfortunately, I know there is not going to be such opportunity.

Mum, I didn’t want to do this but it was compelled by circumstances beyond my control.I tried my best to pull through but my best was not good enough.

I battled along for like thirteen months now until my strength failed me.

You and Dad could not decipher what I was going through, and may be I should not blame you for that. My one and only brother came very close, understanding what I was passing through but it was too much for his young mind to comprehend.

Mum, I know that you and Dad loved me and did all you could to show it, but I was not feeling loved. You provided for me more than I even wanted, took me to places most of my mates had not even heard of.

Despite all these, my heart was longing for love. I needed someone who would love me for who I was. I needed someone who could reach to the depth of my soul and fill the vacuum there. The material provision you spoiled me with could not do that and I was alone all the while despite the fact that we laughed together and had gists as family.

Then came the last straw that broke the camel’s back, your brother, Uncle Tony came to live with us made me feel that he knew exactly what my soul was longing for, companionship! Yes, he chose to stay with me when you and Dad were too busy to notice my loneliness. He tried to keep me company when I needed someone to talk to but I had only gadgets and Teddy Bear. I was fooled to trust him and he hacked into my foolishness and he did it perfectly and deeply.

Mum, your brother raped me and used me as a sex toy for three whole years. I expected you and Dad to notice but none of you did. When he left our house last year, I was shattered because I had grown to fill the void of your presence with his dirty deeds. I couldn’t complain because I was afraid to lose him. But when he eventually left for Canada, the magnitude of the emptiness became too heavy for me to bear.

I struggled to forget those experiences but I could not. My grades dropped in school and Dad quickly arranged for a home lesson teacher. That singular act instead of helping me, fuelled what was going to happen to me.

The home lesson teacher you brought so much reminded me of Uncle and on several occasions, I felt like grabbing him and make him fill the void that Tony’s absence created in me.

Mum, I had to do this because I was lonely. Did you ever imagine what I was doing in my room all the time I stayed there alone? Couldn’t you for once go out of your way and spend time with me so that we could talk?

There are many things I would have liked to tell you but I did not want to add to your pain.

Let those other torments be buried with that undignified body of mine. Make sure my brother, David does not get to this point I am now. Also, please tell your friends and colleagues who have children to find out what is happening to their beloved kids before it gets too late.

Many of the things parents do in the name of showing love are not what we, the younger ones need. I would have been gone long hours before you get to read this note, but one cheering thing is that David is still there. Transfer the love you had for me to him. My bank details and the password of my phones and laptops are in the piece of paper I dropped in the drawer of your dressing table.

I miss you and it pains to empty the content of this bottle into my hand but I am constrained to do it all the same.Tell Dad and David that I love them.Tell my Pastor that I will miss his sermon and long prayers.Tell my friends not to envy me. Good bye mum”.

That was the pathetic letter of a fifteen year old girl to her mother.

If it is the question of who should be held responsible or blame , then every actor in the letter is guilty. But then, one should look deeper to save many other children who may be going through similar situation.

It is a case of a child starved of Love while the parents felt they were showing her love like the letter read “Many of the things parents do in the name of showing love are not what we, the younger ones need”.

Love is not defined by chocolates, ice creams, teddy bears, visiting the best places in the world, going a shopping and just lavishing a child with anything he or she needs. These are things done occasionally without necessarily having to sit down with the child, making it a case of just throwing goodies at the child without the affectionate attention.

Truth be told, your  child NEEDS ATTENTION and AFFECTIONATE CARE. No amount of gadgets, technological devices can be substitute for the quality time you should, as a parent spend with your child.

Unfortunately, parents have allowed the hustle bustle of life to  submerge the attention they are to give their children.

That is why many children die silently or unburden their heart to outsiders or friends who may take advantage of this vacuum,while parents take pride in the fact that they  send them to the best schools, buy them best clothes, load their accounts with substantial money, buy all the needed gadgets for them and make them to be at par or above their mates.

Some children don’t get to see their parents in the morning because they would have left for work very early and also had slept before they returned in the night, leaving the care in the hands of house helps, friends, relatives .

Ask yourself, do you know what your child is going through? Do you know what that house-help, neighbor, uncle, aunt, teacher are doing to your child? Do you know their whereabouts? Popular TV presenter, Frank Olize whenever he was launching his programme, ‘Newsline’, way back then, would ask “Parents where are your children?”

On many occasions, these children want to let out issues bothering them, they want to ask questions, they need counsel, advice, they just want to sit down with their parents and rob minds together but parents are not there.

Never assume all is well with your child and don’t be too busy to find out.

Care must be taken to avoid thinking you know your child when in reality you do not.

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Parenting Tips

By Olaitan Oye-Adeitan 

“Holiday is coming, Holiday is coming, 

No more clanging bells,

No more teachers’ cain.

Good bye teacher, Good bye scholars,

We are going on, a jolly holiday”.

Sure, you remember this old school song often rendered whenever holiday was approaching.

Though some schools are already on vacation, I’m very sure that is the song now on the lips of many pupils and students, including S.S3 and JS3 students writing NECO and BECE examinations.

It is with great joy and anxiety that pupils and parents look forward to a break at the end of the school session. 

This is because, such would give parents some relief economically especially with the high cost of transportation now, while the children too are more relaxed at home ,having more time to sleep,eat and play.

Psychologically, the brain needs to rest having been subjected to rigorous academic work for months.So it is expected that children be given the opportunity to relax. This drives home the saying, “All work and no play,makes jack a dull boy”.

Work is always to be relieved by some form of play or recreation because constant pressure of work depresses the mind and impairs the health. So, when children find some time to play, their health rejuvenates and the soundness of their mind returns.

Beyond the physical activities one area that helps both the physical and mental rejuvenation of a child during the holidays is Bonding with the parents.

We rush them every day for school, all to return in the evening to catch up again .By this time, parents are tired, mother goes to the kitchen, children busy with their assignment with little or no supervision from parents. By the time dinner is ready, everybody eats and goes to bed and the routine continues like that.

Except we want to decieve ourselves, the daily struggle to make ends meet has deprived many children the attention needed from and strong feeling of closeness to their parents.

On weekends, some parents are honouring invitations to ‘Owambe’, meaning parties and by Sunday we are already preparing for another week.So where is the time for the kids?

Now that the children are on holidays, find time to bond with them.Yes, you may be going to work but  prepare an atmosphere they would love, enjoy and remember for good.Work life balance is the optimum balance between our work, social and home lives.

Do not say you don’t have the time, create time and be intentional to make it up to your kids. Wake them up with a kiss, a hug ,and a  reassuring smile. 

It costs nothing but impacts much on a child. Prepare their food and ensure you put them in safe custody while away at work.

No matter how tired you are while returning from work, do not transfer the work stress to them.Ask God for grace to come back home cheerful, ready to receive their welcome too.Children are sensitive to moods.

When you’re off duty or during weekends, take them out on a walk. Let them enjoy and appreciate nature’s gifts around them As you go, respond to their questions and curiosity.Not everything is going a shopping or Cinema.

If you are the type that loves to party, you may have to cut down once a while to stay and play with the kids at home. Parenting is sacrificial,so you must not count it too much to sacrifice your time for them.

The benefits of spending quality time with your kids will reach far beyond their childhood.

Join me next week ,for more on parenting.You can follow the author on Facebook Olaitan Oye-Adeitan.

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Parenting Tips

“Don’t prepare the road for your children, prepare your children for the road.”

Unknown

Saw this quote somewhere and it brings to mind something that has been giving me a little bit of worry about the next generation, and by that I mean most children aged 10 years and under.

I’ve noticed that a lot of us who are now parents (at least those born in the late 70s/early 80s are dropping the ball on raising children who can stand by themselves and can face basic adversity with minimal fuss.

In the name of making sure our children don’t “suffer the way we suffered”, we are raising children who have been so sheltered that they can’t do basic things like cross the road, organise, carry or even maintain their stuff by themselves, do basic household chores because we consider those things as beneath them.

Imagine a 15-year-old, almost 6-foot tall boy who can’t get himself to an examination centre less than 2km to the home alone, whose dad had to carry his examination credentials to the door of the exam hall for him all in the name of “he is careless and can lose it”, or a who doesn’t even know how to iron his own shirt cos, “he will burn it”, can’t or doesn’t even know how to polish his own shoes, can’t wash his own underwear well, I can go on and on.

I agree that knowing how to do all the above doesn’t guarantee success in life or isn’t a measure of success, but that’s part of the reasons we have a lot of lazy, non-productive and entitled young adults who drop out, quit jobs, end relationships, close shop and so on when faced with the slightest challenge with minimum resistance.

Your 4-5 year old child attempted to climb the stairs of like 3 steps and falls down once then you decide to make it an habit to carry him over every little obstacle, she trips while carrying a bowl of water, then you ban her from doing any chores in the house.

What you are drilling into the child’s head is that he/she isn’t capable, weak, fragile and should run from any opposition they encounter.

We are meant to be guides to these divine gifts and not be crutches for them to lean on as they trudge on through life.

We are supposed to be shoulders they can stand on to see and go far in life and not wheelchairs to wheel them through life.

No matter how strong, caring, rich, connected and devoted you are, you can’t always be there to defend, fend and assist your child all the days of his/her life.

As the bible says, `Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.‘ (Proverbs 22:6.).

We are supposed to be coaches, mentors, guides and role models to our children.

Have you ever seen a boxing/tennis/football coach enter the fray on behalf of their charge(s)?

So, teach your children to stand on their own feet, make their own decisions, live by their own convictions, of course you can always, teach, correct, advise, encourage and prompt them from time to time.

But make sure they a properly grounded and rounded in every area of life not only in their academics, let them learn proper social skills to enable them cope with other people from different backgrounds.

Teach them the law of cause and effect.

Teach them boundaries to enable them manage their appetites and avoid covetousness.

Teach them to respect elders and authority figures.

Teach them how to manage and take proper care of things, (they can start with their toys!)

Teach them that adversity, challenges and opposition are a normal part of life (it is how character is built!).

Teach them that although challenges and problems are going to arise in life, they are however not going to last forever.

Let them know that that’s how character is trained.

Above all, let them know God from an early age, teach them the power of faith and confession.

Model Christ consistently in all you do, the truth is that this current generation learns more by observation than by instruction.

Let there be conformity between what you say and what you do!

Don’t say or instruct one thing and do another!

Today’s children are more intuitive and observant than you can ever imagine!

The Lord will help us.

We will succeed as parents and our children will succeed in life in Jesus name.

Maxwell Oyekunle

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Parenting Tips

By Olaitan Oye-Adeitan

That parenting is a huge task today, especially with emerging trends in modern society, is undeniable.

Is it the unbecoming attitude of many young people or prevailing social vices manifesting in different and unsuspecting forms? 

Gone were the days when misbehaviour was only found among adolescents and youths because at that stage of their lives, they have some more awareness about themselves and as a result, some begin to see themselves as knowing better than their parents.

This is usually accompanied by the urge for freedom, exploration and adventure.

Of greater concern is the subtle penetration of this social menace into the camp of children, with primary school children now committing many atrocities.

There was the case of a little boy in primary one who, during an exam had written on his lap, answers to likely questions.

A video also went viral of two toddlers who were romancing themselves behind the school building.

Not even the school authority knew except a perceived neighbour whose house was close to the school from where the act was recorded.

These are just a few out of many issues of growing concerns among children today and the truth is, these children would grow up to be adults someday.

Without mincing words, a lot is happening in contemporary society and children are seeing events as they unfold by the day.

The weight of these unwholesome behaviours already constitutes so much pressure on some children.

While some are battling with the psychological effect of these experiences, trying to surmount it could not match the sane atmosphere they have been raised in their homes; others are already losing their guards and bowing to the pressures.

Sincerely, parents cannot fold their arms and watch till things deteriorate right before them.

The hearts of these children are beating so high with things they can explain and things they cannot, things they understand and those they don’t. 

This is the more reason parents, guardians and even caregivers should give room for these God-given treasures to open up their minds and pour out the content to safe containers and not unsuspecting vampires who disguise as friends, neighbours and uncles but with ulterior motives.

As a parent, never shut your child up or shout him or her down when he/she is about to tell you something.

No matter how uninteresting he may sound, give him/her that listening ear and follow everything he says, giving them good thought.

Such enhances the bond between a child and the parents.

However, a child whose thoughts are waved on different occasions may begin to look out for whom to talk to, thus making the child vulnerable to those who would take advantage of him or her.

Gone were the days when the saying “What does a child know” is found to be true.

Today, a child sees, hears and knows a lot.

Do not underestimate that child!