By ‘Dayo Adenuga
Season two of ‘Heart to Heart’, a love and relationship programme by ‘Dayo Adenuga is mindblowing.
Watch via
https://fb.watch/pHk8CKZ0Md/?mibextid=Nif5oz. Comment, like and share.
Season two of ‘Heart to Heart’, a love and relationship programme by ‘Dayo Adenuga is mindblowing.
Watch via
https://fb.watch/pHk8CKZ0Md/?mibextid=Nif5oz. Comment, like and share.We have been talking about conflict resolution in relationships and marriages, its resolution and everything related in the past two weeks and we will be concluding it all today.
Although, what we have discussed so far is not all that is to know about handling conflicts as knowledge is progressive, but it serves as a base or foundation for becoming knowledgeable about handling such issues.
So, let’s get into the discourse for the day.
For me, conflict resolution in marriage should not start after marriage; it’s supposed to start before marriage.
Couples should have developed good resolution techniques before marrying at all or should not marry if they haven’t.
This is why when I do premarital counselling, I always ask if they’ve ever had a serious disagreement and how they resolved it, if they say never, I tell them to cancel the wedding, go and fight first, settle it, then come back to me.
This is because it takes maturity to settle conflicts amicably and marriage is not for babies, you give babies food not marriage.
Nevertheless, these are some of the things to note when resolving conflicts.
1. PERCEPTION: Perception determines how we react to any stimuli.
It’s important that we accept in our minds that even when our spouses do what annoys or pains us, it’s often not deliberate.
It’s very rare (except if you are married to Lucifer’s deputy) for your spouse to sit down and intentionally start cooking plans to make you miserable.
(It happens, but, we all know that in such a case, the problem is not the conflict, the problem is that you were blind enough to marry a monster).
So, if we accept that he/she did not set out to harm me, your response will be controlled and resolution easier.
You will not be reacting, you will be responding.
2. UNDERSTAND THAT IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO: So anytime there’s conflict, accept that you also are to blame, you have your contribution too.
This will help you to point fingers less and take responsibility.
Conflict is not about him or her, it’s about US.
3. TRY TO ADDRESS ISSUES AND NOT PERSONS: This could be so hard because it’s the person you are seeing more clearly so it’s so easy to address the person and not the issue.
For example, there’s a world of difference between the statement:
“Kayode, you seem to take your time in decision making and I’m worried it slows us down” and the statement: “Kayode, you are too slow for my liking, this your slowness is costing this family a lot”.
Words and their usage is of utmost importance in conflict resolution.
Whenever your choice of words is an attack on the person of your partner, they will instinctively raise up a defence, even if they know they are wrong.
This will annoy you the more and this leads to more reactions and more arguments.
People listen more when they don’t feel attacked.
5. OVERLOOK: Before Marriage, love must not be blind, but in marriage, you must blind it sometimes.
What do I mean?
A lot of issues will be resolved if we just overlook some misbehaviours and errors of our partners, especially we the women.
Really it’s not every battle you must fight; you have to decide whether you want to be happy or right.
So, sometimes, just let it go and move on.
Always try to differentiate between variables and fixed factors of life in your marriage.
Many of the things we argue about are sincerely variable factors, their presence or absence does not particularly affect the home, beyond our personal opinions of them.
We sometimes just want to be right and win every argument.
But, please, how much were you and I paid for the last argument we won?
Which international trophy did you receive?
So we need to overlook issues sometimes.
6. COMMUNICATION: This factor is the bedrock of any home.
Communication is different from talking.
The fact that you are creating words doesn’t mean that you are making sense to the listener.
When there is conflict, it’s important that you both communicate together on it in a way that both of you will understand each other.
Don’t bury issues, if you are not okay, let each other know; don’t let it pile up while trying to be a good partner.
Tell him or her how you feel in a courteous way.
And make sure the issue is settled.
7. TIMING: This is so important to resolution.
You need to understand that it’s not every time that each issue must be addressed immediately.
Learn the principle of delayed response and gratification.
Some things happen when people are there, in the car with people, in a roomful of people etc.
That’s not the time to resolve things or when both of you are hot.
Some conflict resolutions are better pushed to a more convenient time.
There are issues you raise at 2 am in the morning, late in the evening or after a pleasant dinner date.
8. THIRD PARTY: I’m a firm believer that no marriage can really work without third parties.
Nothing is wrong with involving 3rd parties; it all depends on who the 3rd party is and how much influence you both allow them.
You must know when some issues are getting beyond your strength and if so, seek help.
This is why I’m a strong advocate for mentors and accountability figures.
In fact, I warn single ladies never to marry a guy who has no mentor or covering, a Rambo that no one in his life can say “sit down there” and he must obey.
Such a man is a car without a brake, he’s on his way to crash and he will take you along.
There are times that to resolve a conflict, you must contact your accountability figures.
This is needed in having difficult conversations.
Imagine a case of a wife who was raped and got pregnant.
9. Now, since 3rd parties too can cause conflict in some homes, we must handle it in this general way: anyone that doesn’t contribute to the progress and unity and peace of your union must be avoided and it’s the owner of the in-law that must deal with them.
Ephesians 5:31, Genesis 2:24 & Psalm 45:10.
It’s not just the man that God said should leave his father and mother, He gave the woman stricter instructions, He asked her to forsake her family.
So, if your family is causing problems for your spouse, it’s your responsibility to defend your partner and get them far away.
10. PRAYERS: Many times, if we pray about issues half as much as we complain or talk about them, there will be less stress.
It’s important that we control the spiritual atmosphere of the home.
Don’t break the edge, if you don’t, the serpent will hardly bite.
11. FORGIVE: You can’t resolve conflicts well if you don’t learn to forgive and move on.
Some of us have issues with forgiving people when they hurt us, especially women.
We have this strange ability to always refer to what he did 5 years ago during a fresh issue, the poor guy for the life of him cannot even remember what you are referring to.
See, ladies should please be less emotional and sentimental.
We must forgive.
12. SEEK HELP: Seek professional help when you realize you don’t know what to do.
Finally, I think it is also important that we gather enough information about each other’s temperaments; it helps to understand why we all act as we do.
13. FINALLY, FINALLY: There are some conflicts that should not be resolved.
If the kind of conflicts that are happening are the ones that are dangerous to life and health and the perpetrator is not willing to seek help.
Don’t try to resolve it.
LEAVE!
Never stay in a toxic environment.
Adetutu Osofowora popularly known as “Coach Tusky” is a teacher of God’s word and a Relationship and Marriage Coach who teaches and speaks on relationships, homes and women issues, a counsellor with over 2 decades of experience and the president of the Relationship Building Block Organisation as well as the convener of the Relationship Building Block Conferences, a yearly program for both singles, married and counsellors.
She is the author of the widely acclaimed book on conjugal love, Bedmatics.
Adetutu Osofowora is a leader at the HarvestHouse Christian Center, HCC, under the spiritual covering of her pastor and father, Reverend Gbeminiyi Eboda.
She is happily married to Dr Abiodun Osofowora, her husband of 24 years and their union is blessed with 3 lovely children.
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There is a time to be born and a time to die.
This was a submission of the Pastor in charge, Baptist Church, Ibadan, Reverend Segun Jayesinmi at the commendation service of the late Emeritus Professor Timothy Adedeji Awoniyi.
Reverend Jayesinmi said the deceased was full of revelation and a family man to the core.
Talking on the topic “departing in peace: A challenge to the living”, Revd Jayesinmi said the deceased was always right standing with God and committed to the service of humanity.
The first child of Late Emeritus Professor Awoniyi, Mr Oluwarotimi Awoniyi, described his father as a lover of children who always emphasized the importance of prayer and commitment to the service of God.
Also speaking, two daughters of the deceased, Mrs Taiwo Ogundele and Kehinde Opatunji described their father as a foremost education is who lived a disciplined and godly life.
Highlight of the event, testimonies about the deceased, and choreography.
Dignitaries at the commendation service include the zonal director, FRCN, Ibadan, Mrs Bolatito Joseph, and the people from far and wide.
Emeritus Professor Timothy Adedeji Awoniyi who died at the age of 83 is survived by wife, children, grandchildren including: Rotimi Awoniyi, Taiwo Ogundele, Kehinde Opatunji of the FRCN, Gold FM Ilesa, and Bisi Fawehinmi.
Taiwo Akinola
The body of the late Pa Israel Etate Etugbo of Uroto Quarters in Ozoro,Isoko North Local Government Area of Delta State has been laid to rest.
Family members, friends and associates from far and near attended a funeral service held in his honor at the Saint Paul’s Anglican church,NDC road Ozoro .
In a sermon, the Vicar of St. James Isoko/Urhobo, Anglican Church, Alalubosa GRA, Ibadan, Reverend Famous Onoraro charged the congregation to seek the kingdom of God first because life is vanity.
Quoting from John 6:14, Reverend Onoraro noted that the earth was not a permanent place, stressing that the final destination after death should be of paramount importance to everyone.
In an interview with Premier FM, Ibadan, the wife of the deceased, Mrs Veronica Etugbo said her husband was an irreplaceable friend.
The first son and daughter of the deceased, Mr. Nuje Etugbo and Mrs Oghogho Odubanjo said their father would be greatly missed.
In-laws of the deceased also described him as a friendly, humble and compassionate being.
Pa Etugbo died on December 21, 2021 at the age of eighty-one.
He is survived by his wife, children and grand children including Mrs. Oghogho Odubanjo of Premier FM, ,Ibadan.
Afolasade Osigwe
Family, friends and colleagues of late BBC reporter in Ondo State, Shola Ilesanmi, gathered in Akure, the Ondo state capital on Friday for a candlelight procession and an evening of tributes to celebrate his short but well-spent life.
His friends also announced the launch of ‘The Shola Ilesanmi Solutions Journalism Prize for Campus Reporters’ instituted by his Committee of Friends in partnership with the National Union of Campus Journalists (NUCJ) in memory of the late reporter.
O and fact-checker, passed on after a brief illness at the age of 36.
John Paul Akinduro, who announced the launch of the journalism prize at the evening of tributes on Friday, said the committee will inaugurate a board of Jurists who will coordinate the submission and review of entries and award of prizes to winners.
“This is our own special way of sustaining the legacy of our dear colleague, friend and brother, who gave his all for the journalism profession and humanity. The award will come up every birthday of Shola Ilesanmi” said Akinduro, Special Assistant on Media and Digital Communications to former Governor Olusegun Mimiko
Shola started his journalism career as a campus reporter at Adekunle Ajasin University, Akungba-Akoko in Ondo state, writing for The Nation newspaper’s Campus Life and an AAUA campus-based newspaper.
Shortly after leaving the university, he joined the state-owned TV station OSRC and moved to Orange FM as a pioneer staff when the radio station started broadcasting in 2012 before he was redeployed to OSRC in 2017. He left OSRC in January 2021 to join the BBC as Ondo State correspondent. He was also a media researcher for AFP and worked as a freelancer for local and international media platforms.
In a career that spanned more than 13 years, Shola had a knack for delivering exclusives and unearthing some of the biggest stories out of Ondo state in the last decade.
His exceptional reporting, work ethics and diligence won him multiple awards, including commendation by NYSC in Ondo state, best sports reporter of the year, award of excellence by the Nigerian Union of Journalists, NUJ, and outstanding journalist of the year, most supportive alumnus of the National Association of Mass Communication Students NAMACOS, AAUA, and media personality of the year by the National Association of Ondo state Students, NAOSS.
The event featured emotional tributes from his colleagues and friends who described him as a complete gentleman and fair to all.
The Ondo state NUJ through its secretary, Leke Adegbite, spoke of Shola as a committed and popular media personality and compassionate, who cared for the downtrodden.
Chairman ethics committee of Ondo State Youth Network, OSYN, Comrade Bright Idemudia who spoke on behalf of the association, described Shola as a selfless leader and peacemaker who was always there for the association.
Shola’s commitment to developing young people and his service in his local church, where he was a teacher in the youth department, was also recognised and commended.
Bukola Bardi
Family ,Friends and associates of late Pa Joseph Olasupo Duduyemi have described him as a good man whose exit would be greatly missed.
In a sermon entitled “Fight the good fight of Faith”,Vicar of St. Paul Anglican Church, Ayegbaju Ile Ife,Venerable Sunday Jewoola urged people to strive to gain heaven where there is no pain or sorrow.
He described death as inevitable for everyone, hence the need to do good while on earth.
Wife of the deceased Mrs Grace Duduyemi said her husband fought a good fight and was happy that he is resting at the Bossom of the Lord.
First daughter of Pa Duduyemi, Mrs Yetunde Akinyelu said she was comforted remembering how much her father poured into them while growing up which had positively impacted them.
Pa Oladosu Duduyemi served as Director of Audit in Osun State Civil Service, Osogbo and served in various capacities before retiring in year 2000.
Pa Duduyemi who died at the age of eighty is survived by wife,children, grandchildren, nieces and cousins.
Anthonia Akanji
All Progressives Congress, APC in Oyo
has described the Soun of Ogbomosoland, Oba Jimoh Oladunni Oyewumi, Ajagungnade lll, as an enigma who lived well and contributed a lot to the development of his people as well as the human society.
The outgoing Caretaker Chairman of the APC in the State , Chief Akin Oke
in a statement issued by his Special Assistant on Media, Olawale Sadare, lamented the passage of Oba Oyewumi stating that losing an enigma like him was not only saddening but also regrettable as “in his was every good thing a reasonable town man could wish to have in a monarch, leader and father.
“An average Yoruba son and daughter is proud of the late Soun who was despite being born a prince strived to rise to stardom and was able to improve upon every of his success until he breathed his last. He was a focused, courageous and disciplined person who would never compromise his integrity and nobility.
“His 48 years on the throne were eventful, fruitful and successful as Ogbomosoland witnessed a lot of renewal and transformation.
Kabiyesi was not only and accomplished businessman but also a champion of education who prioritized the education of his children and those of his subjects. Today, Ogbomoso people can boast of being among the best educated in Africa and we appreciate the role played by Oba Oyewumi in achieving this feat.
“I will personally feel the demise of Kabiyesi in view of my closeness to him and what he was able to do for me as his beloved son. It was in 1976 when I contested the Councillorship election in my Ward in Ogbomoso that our path crossed and how he managed the crisis generated by the controversial poll was superb.
Since, he drew me close and he never abandoned me for once not even since I became the Chairman of the Progressive parties in the state.
Chief Oke condoled the members of the royal family as well as eminent sons and daughters of Ogbomosoland on the passage of the first class monarch.
“I must specifically commiserate the Olori who played a key role in the longevity enjoyed by our revered monarch. We pray God Almighty to grant him eternal rest and also uphold all the family members and subjects he left behind.”
Ridwan Fasasi
His royal majesty, Oba Dr Oladunni Oyewumi Ajagungbade III, CON, CFR, Soun of Ogbomosoland has passed away.
According to a statement by Dr Aderemi Oyewumi for the family, Ajagungbade III
passed on in the early hours of today, 12th December 2021,marking the end of 48 years of a glorious reign.
Kabiyesi is survived by wives, children, grandchildren and great grandchildren.
PR/Adedayo Adelowo
When church leaders live like Jesus Christ and encourage their followers to do the same, the church, society, and the nation would be a lot better.
This was the submission of speakers at the OIKOS International Discipleship Conference organized by Every Home for Christ at Molete Baptist Church, Molete, Ibadan.
Speaking on methods of discipleship, Regional Director, Every Home for Christ, Reverend Lanre Dasilva said in three and half years Jesus transferred everything in himself to his disciples and their lives completely changed.
They also transformed the world around them.
The same principle, when imbibed by leaders would produce genuine Christians who would shun corruption, immorality and other vices prevalent in the church today.
Reverend Dasilva said the best way to become a disciple was to be selfless and be willing to work for God without material expectations.
On his part, African Continental Director of Every Home for Christ International, Dr Cleopas Chitapa explained that the purpose of the conference was to teach the importance of Discipleship.
He stressed the need for discipline among church leaders for them to carry out their assignment effectively.
The third speaker, Reverend Albert Aina identified problems bedevilling the church to include pastors that were never born again, baby-Christians-made pastors, laying emphasis on attendance, building, and cash rather than soul-winning, and carnality on the altar.
Earlier in a welcome address, the convener of the program, Dr Peter Akanji noted that OIKOS is a Greek word which means family, home or household and that the essence of the conference was to ensure that every home was reached with the gospel of Christ.
The program had participants from across the Southwest.
Rasheedah Makinde
The responsibility of paying bills in homes is believed to be the duty of the husband who is the head of the family.
However, the economic situation has forced women to share in this role while many of them bear the entire burden at the home front.
This development led our correspondent, Aminat Ajibike to town, to ask a cross-section of Ibadan residents their views on assisting their partners in paying bills.
English
Yoruba
Those were the voices of Ibadan residents on how they assist their partners in paying bills.
Join us next week for another edition of weekend teaser. Aminat Ajibike