Why Children Do Not Open Up to Their Parents

By Olaitan Oye-Adeitan

“If I tell mummy, she would blame me for everything”.

“Do you know what i have told you, my parents do not know”?

“Ha, I can’t open up to my parents oo they will kill me”?

“I prefer to talk to my friends, my parents have no time”? 

“Mummy doesn’t calm down to hear my side and understand me, she flairs up at any little thing”.

These are responses of some children while in a conversation with the author on various issues arising in their lives.

A lot of things which the children told the author were mind-blowing. Some could be classified as shocking revelations. But it is more shocking that they were kept from their parents for various reasons as found in their submissions above.

The question is, must we then sleep in the house with fire on the rooftop? Certainly, this issue cannot be wished away if parents will not be building strangers out of their children.

What then could be the cause(s) of this gap?

Findings show that Fear is a major factor that makes children want to hide things from their parents. Some parents do not give room for an atmosphere that could encourage their children to pour out their minds. They are so tough like granite and very inaccessible that even their arrival at home makes the children cringe.

Sharing their experiences, two siblings who were raised in this kind of atmosphere recalled how they used to push each other to their father whenever they wanted to collect something from him. David and Ruth explained that they were always afraid to approach their father because he was very tough, though  the siblings were closer to their mum. It was funny to hear them say, that if they wanted to collect something from their father and he was in his bedroom, they would have to make a sign of the cross and sum up courage before knocking at his door.

 Another factor that makes many children recoil is lack of affirmation. Children love to be appreciated and commended. It does not only give them room to express themselves but also builds confidence in them. Unfortunately, only a few children enjoy this from their parents.

Parents also make the mistake of condemning a child when he/she comes home with a poor academic result. Parents are often too quick to scold, especially using hurting words on children with weak academic results. 

We must realize that there is a difference between the child and his result. 

A child is more than the result he/she brings. This is not encouraging failure but opening the eyes of parents to the fact that in such a situation, the child needs reassurance of love and support so that he can perform better next time. Harshness will also blind parents from discovering what the child’s problem could be academically.

Parents who have this nature will also succeed in driving their children away from unburdening their hearts to them.

When your child shares his/her pain with you, and the next is to use it against her among other friends or just refer to it while chatting with others, ha! that child will see you as a parent who does not respect confidentiality.

Comparing your child with another, which may even be his siblings, is a sure reason that child will be silent. Through such you are building in him a feeling of inferiority, timidity and subtle hostility.

Know this, “Every child is unique in his/ her way”. This uniqueness distinguishes him from others. Not even twins have everything the same.

One thing about children is that they can perceive easily an atmosphere where love abounds and where hatred, and bitterness breed. Children desire sincere demonstration of love and affection beyond words of mouth.

The warmth felt in the womb for years, cuddles received from the mother, backing and all forms of care and affection registered in their subconscious, and they grow to desire more of it.

Therefore, if a child could perceive this from his / her parents, he or she would be free to dialogue with them. Love and affection are what everyone craves and there’s no substitute for it. As the saying goes, “Under someone’s hard shell is that person that wants to be loved and cared for.